Helen Bauer – Q&A

Helen Bauer’s new stand-up tour, ‘Madam Good Tit’ explores her own self-esteem and experiences with secret eating, reality tv shows, self care and her mother being thinner than her. On the road in September, here are her Famous Last Words…

Last thing you did that made you feel good?
I had the best moment just now. I thought I had saved the life of a dying bee when it was on the floor in front of me. I gave it some sugar water.

Last thing you’d want to be doing right now?
Eating goat’s cheese. Simple. It does not taste good.

Last night on Earth… What’s your poison?
Probably a bottle of red wine followed by actual poison that puts me to sleep. I don’t want to die in pain.

Last supper… What are you ordering?
Straight into my local Indian restaurant and ordering everything off the menu and a stack of poppadum’s and naan. I want it to be an endless cycle of chutneys and chicken. Then would have to head to an ice cream parlour and be let loose behind the counter.

Last person you’d want to share a drink with?
In an end of the world scenario my best friend, in a ‘eurgh they are the last person I would want to share a drink with’ probably myself. I can get bored very quickly drinking alone.

Last time you shed a tear and why?
Bad news, the bee just drowned in the sugar water. It has been a journey writing this.

Last refuge… where would you go?
I want to say a beautiful island somewhere, but probably a nice stationary shop. Somewhere with lots of stickers and scented gel pens because I am essentially a ten year old.

Last the course… tips on loot, love & life?
Go with your gut and be careful asking for advice, it’s often conflicting and realistically you know you best.

Last but one… random question: Tell us about something that interests you that nobody else knows about. Like Gaelic football… or porcelain.
I am obsessed with languages, like just hearing different languages spoken it makes me feel so cool pretending I understand.

Your Famous Last Words?
Never jump in a puddle if you can’t remember the last time it rained. The puddle will be pi*s.

Helen Bauer’s ‘Madam Good Tit’ tour comes to Leeds Hyde Park Book Club, Oct 21 & York Theatre@41, Oct 22
For full tour dates visit: helenbauer.co.uk/live