Offspring (2009) / The Woman (2011) – Film Reviews

Director: Andrew Van den Houten
Cast: Pollyanna Macintosh, Art Hindle, Amy Hargreaves
Certificate: 18

Director: Lucky McKee
Cast: Pollyanna Macintosh, Lauren Ashley Carter, Sean Bridgers
Certificate: 18

by Roger Crow / @RogerCrow

There’s an opening scene in Offspring which sets alarm bells ringing. The old plot device of revealing vast swathes of exposition via vintage newspaper headlines (circa 1900) hits a snag with a story written in Zapf Chancery. Not only would this not happen, the font, favoured by restaurants worldwide in a desperate attempt to make their menus look classy (they never do), wasn’t released until 1979.

Of course most viewers won’t give two hoots, but the fact the rest of the stories also look like they were knocked up on a Mac makes you realise the film makers aren’t exactly desperate for credibility.

Obviously as a font snob, that’s just one of the many problems. The lashings of gore that follows will leave some viewers reaching for the “off” button. But if you’re not afraid of scenes which look like an explosion in an abattoir, or features terrible drunk acting, this might be your cuppa.

“Miserable scenes”

The plot: nearly two centuries after the strange disappearance of Daniel Cook’s family, the Halbards and their young girl live a happy life, unaware that Cook’s descendants and their clan of cannibalistic inbred savages have set their sights on them.

The whole thing is unpleasant, humourless and the antagonists are as annoying as the heroes. The sight of a woman hitting herself with a stick (possibly as penance for signing up for this movie) is just one of the assorted miserable scenes.

Many films deserve sequels but this wasn’t one of them. Regardless, The Woman arrived in 2011 and caused some fuss at its Sundance premiere, apparently. I’m not surprised. After five minutes of (offscreen) animal-related violence and pretentious slow motion, I felt nauseous.

“Toxic travesties”

Basically it’s more of the same. This time a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to “civilise” the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast of America for decades. Naturally the lives of his family are soon endangered.

If you want to see how this sort of thing should be done, watch The Descent. Otherwise, perhaps best to socially distance yourself from these two toxic travesties as much as possible.

Special features in Offspring include an interview with director Andrew Van den Houten (where his phone goes off and should have been left out, but wasn’t), and Blighty’s own Pollyanna Macintosh (Jadis in The Walking Dead), who proves far more interesting than her horrific screen character.

She recently directed Darlin’, a third movie in the saga. Can’t say I’m desperate to see it, even if the fonts are historically accurate.