Cobra (1986) – Film Review

Director: George P Cosmatos
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Andrew Robinson
Certificate: 18

By Roger Crow

I’ve got a lot of time for Sylvester Stallone. Fifty years ago he was a jobbing actor and screenwriter who finally got his big break writing and starring in Rocky. That 1976 smash of course paved the way for assorted sequels and spin-offs, while First Blood remains one of my fave films of the 1980s. When the first sequel became box office gold in 1985, producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus were keen to make as much money possible with Sly. So Stallone re-teamed with Rambo: First Blood – Part Two director George P Cosmatos for Cobra, which, remarkably, I’ve never seen until now.

It’s a flashy thriller for the MTV generation, which at times looks like a generic rock video. And there’s some equally generic songs to go with it. Certainly nothing worthy of Rocky III’s ‘Eye of the Tiger’, or Staying Alive’s ‘Far From Over’, the latter, by Frank Stallone, one of my guiltiest of pleasures.

The Cobra plot, such as it is, involves Brigitte Nielsen as a witness targeted by a bunch of psychopaths. Naturally the hero, Marion Cobretti (Sly) attempts to protect her. And that’s about it. There’s a couple of car chases; a town reminiscent of the one in First Blood, and plenty of generic action scenes. The script was apparently salvaged from the wreckage of Stallone’s take on Beverly Hills Cop, which he was set to make at one point. So by-the-numbers, it’s an offence on the ears. (The book on which it was based also inspired the Cindy Crawford movie Fair Game).

“Eye off the ball”

The movie often looks great, like a Walter Hill epic, or a Jim Steinman video. Just a pity it lacks the modest sophistication of Sly’s 1981 thriller Nighthawks.

Stallone’s look is pretty iconic, with his mirrored shades, perfect hair and forever chewing on a matchstick. It’s the sort of thing sketched on a napkin at Cannes, probably like the screenplay, which wound up in the movie. He also drives one of the best vintage cars of the eighties, and cuts his pizza with scissors, which is a thing outside of the movie apparently.

Golan-Globus made some truly terrible movies in the eighties, and while this isn’t the worst, it’s a pretty hard watch just for the laughable set pieces and truly awful villains. Sly clearly took his eye off the ball while famously getting together with co-star Brigitte Nielsen (who made another stylish car crash a year later, Beverly Hills Cop II).

“Ultraviolent finale”

Look out for Dirty Harry veterans Andrew Robinson, as a typically edgy detective (who may originally have been part of the integral cult), and co-star Reno Santoni. And yes, the movie was inspired by Clint Eastwood’s classic early seventies thriller, which featured Robinson as one of the best-ever serial killers, and Santoni in support.

It’s worth at least one look if you are a newcomer, or if you want to give your brain a rest for the duration. And don’t miss that ultraviolent finale in a foundry that looks like the end of Terminator 2, which arrived five years later and was 100 times better.

Cobra is a mere 84 minutes, so at least it doesn’t outstay its welcome. The fact there’s enough material for 40 minutes is another matter.

Special features include commentaries by Kim Newman and Nick de Semlyen, editor of Empire magazine, and author of excellent book The Last Action Heroes, which makes the experience instantly better. They both love this movie, and it’s not hard to see why. It’s gloriously rubbish, and almost a parody of the lone cop thriller made at a time when testosterone-filled action vehicles were at their most OTT.

Roger Crow( Writer )

Adopted Yorkshireman Roger Crow developed a passion for film and TV in the 1970s and 1980s. He has been a published film and TV reviewer since the 1990s; a world travel and restaurant critic since the noughties, and for the past decade has assessed the pros and cons of live gigs and theatre productions around the UK. His ideal day would involve reviewing a performance of Bat Out of Hell, followed by a Pad Thai while being serenaded by Texas on a cruise around Europe.
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