Dave Spikey Q&A

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Dave Spikey

‘Famous Last Words’ with comedian Dave Spikey

Last thing you did that made you feel good?
I just performed three of my ‘Best Medicine’ tour shows for charity. I get about ten requests a week to attend charity fundraisers or provide a prize for the auction or host charity events and it’s really difficult prioritising and accommodating all of these because they are all such worthy causes, so I always try very hard to fit as much as I can into my schedule, plus I always do two or three shows on tour where all the money from ticket sales goes directly to various charities.

dave spikey lancashireLast thing you’d want to be doing right now?
Driving down the M6 to a gig. I love performing my new show but driving in this country is a nightmare. I don’t mean a proper nightmare, where there’s a bloke in a black cape and hood chasing you with a big knife and you’re trying to run away but your legs won’t work properly and it feels like your running through treacle and you can hardly move and, for some reason, you’re wearing no pants or underwear so you’re trying to pull your shirt down to cover your wedding tackle and then this ghoul catches up with you and you are terrified and try to punch him but your arms have gone all weak and it feels like your muscles are made from cotton wool.

“It’s rubbish, that’s what it is!”

Not that sort of nightmare – just a mind-numbing, frustrating, madly-irritating process. First off, you always get stuck behind an old couple of born-again Christians in a Nissan Micra who are hogging the middle lane – ITS FOR OVERTAKING ONLY! She’s wearing a surgical collar (a fashion accessory for the over 60’s) and even though she can’t move her big stupid head she’s giving him directions! He’s driving like he’s permanently looking for a parking space because he’s not got a sat nav – a floaty compass stuck onto his dashboard – “Stoke? South by South East!”.

She’s usually got a mac on with the belt hanging out of the door and, one day, I will get my front wheels on that belt and yank her into the passenger window hard. Next, you get stuck behind a HGV that has a sign on the back, “How’s my driving?”. It’s rubbish, that’s what it is. Lorry drivers reckon they are the best drivers on the road and do you know what? They’re not.

“Too many cars on the roads”

If that was true, how is it that they always overtake each other on an incline where it takes them half an hour to pass each other because the overtaking lorry is only going one mph faster than the other and they’re watching a DVD at the same time and meanwhile there’s a five mile queue built up behind them as cars have to try and pass them in the fast lane. Mind you, when you do pass and you’re getting nearer to Birmingham its total gridlock anyway.

It used to take me ninety minutes to get to Birmingham and now it takes two and a half hours. You don’t have to be a genius to see that there are too many cars on our roads. Cap the number of cars and improve public transport!

Last night on Earth… What’s your poison?
A really nice, full bodied, oaky red wine. I’m not a connoisseur so I’m guessing it would have to cost more than £8.99 a bottle. If I could find one on special offer, say reduced from £15.99 to £9.99 that would be a result.

“Going back for another plateful”

Last supper … What are you ordering?
I’m vegetarian, so I would start with an Indian dish – Malai Kofta. Basically Indian cottage cheese, potatoes, vegetables and cashew nut kofta balls in a rich curry sauce. Main course a Thai green vegetable curry with fried bean-curd, accompanied with wild rice and a side dish of wok-fried pak-choi in garlic, chilli and soy. I don’t eat sweets, so if I was still hungry I’d have another small savoury dish – either mattar paneer or sag paneer or both. Or I’d have one of those “All you can eat for a fiver” buffets because you can keep going back, can’t you? So I could put my last night on earth off for days if I just paced myself and kept going back for another plateful.

Last person you’d want to share a drink with?
Gordon Ramsay. He doesn’t seem to be a very nice person, although of course I could be wrong as we’ve never met. He swears too much, obviously, and he has been very rude and scathing in his comments regarding vegetarians in the past and has behaved obnoxiously towards them on his television shows.

I remember that he used meat stock in one dish he served to a vegetarian and put Parma ham on a veggie pizza. It really upset the person eating it. But he thought it was all totally hilarious. He comes across as an immature, overgrown schoolboy who delights in bullying those he considers different. He should learn to respect the views and opinions of others. But he seems to me to be the sort of bloke who wouldn’t make you a cup of tea, even if he was making one for himself.

“Push yourself to the limits”

Last time you shed a tear and why?
My dog Megan died while I was away on holiday. She was a rescued dog I’d had for about ten years and had never been ill but developed a really rare blood disease and haemorrhaged and died in the space of 24 hours and I felt so sad and empty and guilty that she was on her own; that I couldn’t be with her after all the love and joy she’s brought me.

Last refuge… where would you go?
Home. Chorley, Lancashire, to be surrounded by my family and friends.

dave spikey questionsLast the course… tips on loot, love & life?
Loot – Live just within your means and always push yourself to the limits of what you can afford without getting into debt. yyRemortgage your house every time your current deal runs out. xx I have done this more or less every couple of years and saved thousands and thousands of pounds. People tend to get a mortgage and then sort-of forget about it. Don’t do this! Shop around and get the best two and three year deals around and once they’re ending start looking again – you will find, after a while, that your current lender will match the deal. Also use internet sites such as u-switch and Moneysupermarket to find the best deals on utilities and credit cards. It really is well worth the effort.

“We need to find light in the darkness”

Love – Make sure it’s love before you rush into doing something you will regret. Love is so much more than physical attraction. It’s so very important that you actually like each other a lot underneath the lust. You need to be real good friends to make it wonderful . My first marriage was a mistake – a proper mistake. I actually said “Will you carry me?” I was so very drunk.

Life – Always be true to yourself. Never compromise your principals to please or impress others. Try the hardest you can to be a good, respectful, honest and tolerant person and always try and help those less fortunate than yourself.

Last but one… random question: endless war, financial apocalypse, crooked politicians – is laughter still the best medicine?
Well, as individuals we’re not going to change any of these appalling global issues even though we are inevitably moved and upset, frustrated and angered by them. But if we let ourselves get burdened with all the doom and gloom generated by these events and our reaction to them then we’ll sink into a mire of depression and despondency. We need to find light in the darkness and we should look to our everyday lives, to our individual worlds and to “real” events , large and small , that actually touch us directly and indirectly and make us smile, chuckle, giggle and occasionally laugh out loud every day.

“Laughter boosts the immune system”

Because laughter is good for us. It releases endorphins to make us feel better. It boosts the immune system which helps us fight a multitude of ills. And it lowers blood pressure and – here’s the clincher – it burns off calories at the rate of 100 per hour. As my show is two hours long I encourage audiences to laugh consistently for the full performance and they’ll burn off 200 calories and that’s a pint of lager or a large glass of wine and then we’re all winners. Laughter is so important. There are, of course, many sayings that allude to that. “Laugh and the world laughs with you”, “You’ve got to laugh or you’ll cry”, “He who laughs last laughs last who laughs and laughs in greenhouses”. Not got to the bottom of that last one yet.

Famous Last Words?
This should be interesting.



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